I answered this question on Quora today and I thought I’d share it here too: “What is the active form of the baby was bought a doll…… Read more “This Doll Could’ve Been Murdered by Passive Voice, if Its Weapon Had Any Sentence Structure”
You know how you scroll through Facebook and Instagram and see all your friends showing off their smiling kids, relaxing vacations, and humorous stories about the time their toddlers said something “embarrassing” but totally tame?
Here’s a question. What the hell is wrong with you people? No, not YOU people, my normal, non-urine-obsessed readers. I’m talking to all the freaks who keep landing on my blog after searching for pictures of little girls peeing.
You all may not realize this, but people who run websites can actually see how you ended up on their site. Unfortunately, I can’t see your IP address. If I could, the FBI would already be at your door. But seriously, what is WRONG with you?
For those of you who are not creepy pervs, let me explain what happened. I have a WordPress hosted site, which means that WordPress keeps track of all of my blogging stats, including how many page views I get, how many unique visitors, and the way that visitors found my site.
Today, we had a guy from Sears come out to look at our washer. It’s not agitating, draining, or spinning, so it’s full of dirty water from…… Read more “How NOT to Sell Your Manly Services to the Lady of the House”
Hello, lovely readers! I’m having a fantastic day. My baby boy, the one who brings me fistfuls of leaves every day, snuggles up to me whenever I sit anywhere, and has literally written me so many love letters that we can’t keep paper in the house for more than a week, has just turned six.
What is it about boobs that gets clothing manufacturers and designers all flustered? As any woman with breasts larger than a B cup can tell you, all women’s clothing appears to be designed for small-breasted women. When I shop for clothes, I can’t just pick out anything that looks cute. Buttons in the front? Can’t wear it, unless I want to show off my bra through the buttonholes. Backless? Nope. Strapless? Sure, if I want to demonstrate my circus-like ability to touch my belly button with my nipple.
Hopefully, all of your children can name at least 1 character from a book, movie, or television show whom they absolutely adore. These are your Nemos, your Boo Boos, your Harry Potters. All of the 101 Dalmatians.
You can’t help but root for these guys. They’re so earnest and good natured. Your kids love them. You love them. Everyone’s happy.
The characters in this list, however, are none of those things.
This is going to be a controversial post. Many of you will disagree with me. Some will be offended. I’m sorry, but this just has to be said: ketchup does not belong on hot dogs.
The other day, I took my 2 boys grocery shopping at Aldi. The second we got in the car, R announced, “I don’t want to go to Aldi!”
“Sorry, Bud,” I said. “We have to.”
“Nooooo!” he wailed from the back seat. I simply drove.
When we arrived at Aldi, I grabbed my purse and my shopping bags, pulled the baby from his car seat, and stood by the open van door waiting on R. “Come on, Buddy. Let’s go.”
“I’m not going!”
“You have to,” I said.
“No I don’t!”
“Fine. Come on in when you’re ready.” A power struggle with a 5-year-old isn’t really my thing, so I walked off toward the store. And just like I knew he would, R followed me. (At a distance. He had to save face, obvs.)
Dear sexy men in the tuxedo swim briefs,
Oh, hello. Is this seat taken? Excuse my girlish giggling. I came across your photos in a Shinesty ad that Facebook dropped into my newsfeed, and I couldn’t help but stare.