Category Archives: Lists

My New Year’s Resolutions

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It’s that time of year again! After a long holiday season of celebrations and indulging in way too much good food and libations, we take down the tree, pack up the decorations, and spend a week checking the dog’s poop for that roll of tape we lost on Christmas Eve.

Oh, and resolutions! I’m pretty inconsistent with the making of the resolutions part. Some years, I don’t make any at all. Some years, I forget about it until mid-January and then write down a token list of ideas just so I can say I did it. But the keeping part of it-for that I’m nothing if not consistent. You could set your watch by me. I have never kept a resolution past March in my life.

But you never know. This could be my year! Just in case, I’ve written a few goals for me to keep or not keep.

  1. Continue filling the blogosphere with witty banter every week. (Because I know you all couldn’t live without me!)
  2. Finally figure out the lyrics to Smells Like Teen Spirit.
  3. Learn to speak Korean so I’ll know if the ladies at the nail salon are gossiping about me and my grossly-calloused feet.
  4. When people look at my family in shock and ask if I’m planning to have more children, come up with a more polite answer than, “Is your mom going to have any more children?”
  5. Speaking of which, I think my next goal should be: Do not give birth to any new children this year. (I know what you’re thinking! If I can just keep myself un-pregnant until April, this goal should be in the bag. But I’d like to think of myself as somewhat of an over-achiever in this category. Why don’t we stretch the un-pregnancy out a little more?)
  6. Create more opportunities to shout “Boo yah!” during arguments.
  7. Spend way less time cleaning up other people’s poop. Amiright, ladies?
  8. Convince Donald Trump that he’s desperately needed to lead the first human colony on Mars. (You’re welcome, Earth!)

 

OK, it’s possible that at least one of those goals may be unachievable by me alone. I mean, what mother of 4 has time to study a new language?

Do you have any resolutions for the new year? I’d love to hear from you!

Things I Will NOT Do Today

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People write “To Do” lists all the time. You know what I think I really need? A NOT-To-Do list. I’m totally into staying positive, but honestly, couldn’t we all use a quick dose of “don’t do that”? Here are ten things that I will absolutely, under no circumstances, do today:

  1. I will not take my husband’s car keys with me to Starbucks, so that once I sit down and get three words into this brilliant blog post he has to call me and ask me to bring him the keys to his only form of transportation for driving our daughter to tae kwon do.
  2. I will not order a decaf salted caramel mocha, no matter how delicious it may be, because I have no time to work out on Saturdays and I can’t afford the calories.
  3. I will not punch in the face any jackass well-meaning stranger who kindly informs me that I shouldn’t be drinking caffeine, even though it’s DECAF for crying out loud, and maybe if I had a little caffeine coursing through my veins I wouldn’t be fantasizing about plucking your toenails out one by one and then serving them up to you in a frosty frappuccino!
  4. I will not misuse a word or use incorrect grammar or punctuation while arguing with an idiot debating someone with whom I disagree on the internet. Because, let’s be honest, nothing is more embarrassing than insisting you are the brilliant authority on some matter and everyone should marvel at your unblemished opinion, and then discovering later that you wrote “there” instead of “they’re.”
  5. I will not walk into any walls or furniture. Let’s just leave it at that.
  6. While preparing for my daughters’ special Halloween play date with their friends, I will not make anything that I’ve seen on Pinterest.
  7. I will not eat any of the spooky eyeball cupcakes that I will inevitably bake for said play date, because I can already see myself screwing up on item number 6.
  8. I will not take my eyes off of my dog if she enters my bathroom. And therefore, my dog will not dig through the contents of my bathroom trash, eating the first item she is able to swallow before I come in and catch her, and then vomit up said (extremely embarrassing) item in front of the guy who comes over to fix the heat pump.
  9. I will not search the house for my phone for thirty minutes before heading up to bed, only to discover that the phone has been in my hand the entire time.
  10. I will not stay up until midnight wondering where it all went wrong.

What are you NOT going to do today?