14 Things I Thought You Should Know

  1. There should be a nursing mom superhero who busts out of her shirt Incredible Hulk style when it’s time to feed the baby. The Hooter Hider could be her cape.
  2. Someday I want to visit the Land of Missing School Supplies so that I can sneak into the pen and pencil huts that the trolls there must live in and steal all their toilet paper.
  3. I wish I had a bigger social media platform so that I could start a campaign to get somebody to write a fictional character based on Donald Trump. This guy never stops offering material.
  4. If God wanted me to weigh 120 pounds, I really don’t think He would’ve created wine.
  5. Three things you don’t mess with: snakes, tornadoes, and Stefano DiMera.
  6. My 7-year-old just correctly used “Booyah” in a sentence. That’s how you KNOW I’m from PG County. What! What!
  7. Plus, my kids know how to do “The Butt.” (See #6.)
  8. Sweeping my kitchen floor is really a futile effort, especially when my dog isn’t home.
  9. Confession: I really hate that “Happy” song. And I have no idea what a room without a roof is supposed to feel like.
  10. When I was a kid, I thought “ring around the collar” was the number one laundry problem faced by moms across the country every day. Now that I do the laundry for 6 people, I have never seen it on an actual shirt. Was this ever really a thing, or did the Wisk commercials just make it up?
  11. Sometimes it comes in handy to have a husband who is a huge math nerd. Thanks, honey. 🙂
  12. How is it possible for microwave popcorn to be 130 calories un-popped but only 55 when it’s popped? And who is this jackass eating it un-popped anyway?
  13. This is how you know my life is out of control: When I plan out my day, I have to factor in time to pee.
  14. Do your Kegels, people. Do your Kegels. If you don’t, someday, you will be stretching at the gym in front of some young chick who thinks she’s way hotter than you. You’ll have your legs spread on a mat on the floor, and you will sneeze. And you will wish you’d done your Kegels (and maybe planned one more pee break). Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

What’s your random thought of the day? I’d love to hear from you!

My New Year’s Writing Resolutions

I’ve actually never written New Year’s Resolutions before, but I do like setting concrete goals, so I thought I’d give it a try this year. Here are a few things I hope to accomplish this year with my writing: Continue reading

‘Til the Shoutin’s Over and They Gather up the Singin’ Books: Writing in Character Voice

I like to write my novels in first person character voice. (Some people call it writing in dialect.) I do it for a few reasons. One, I enjoy reading novels written this way. Two, I think I’m pretty good at it. And three, I absolutely LOVE distinctive human voices, particularly those of the American South.

Writing this way is a challenge. For one thing, I haven’t been to all the places that I’ve set stories in. Right now, I’m writing a novel called Freedom City set in the Ozark Mountains region of Arkansas. Most of my characters are not from the Ozarks. They’re transplants from other parts of the south.

But one character, Pearly, is a ninety-five year old great-grandmother, born and raised in the Ozarks. She’s not the protagonist, but she’s an important character with several point of view chapters. And I (confession!) have never been to the Ozarks.

So what does a novelist such as myself do? I can’t afford to take time off from my life and spend a month with the Arkansas hill folk. And I don’t know anyone from that part of the country with whom I can just sit and have regular conversations, or eavesdrop on. (Incidentally, eavesdropping and conversating are ordinarily my two best tools in learning how to write like others speak.) My soon-to-be brother-in-law is from Missouri, which also encompasses a large portion of the Ozarks, but the one time I tried to get him to spend the day talking like a backwoods hillman, he kept coming back to his regular speaking voice. (What’s up with that, Ryan? ;))

The answer, for me anyway, is read, read, READ! I’ve read every novel set in the Ozarks that I can find. Unfortunately, there aren’t many of these. The only one that I actually enjoyed was Winter’s Bone by Daniel Woodrell. (Read it if you can stomach a lot of darkness and violence.) I also checked out all of the Arkansas travel books owned by my local library. (If you’re wondering, that’s one. One Arkansas travel book in the whole library. Alabama had like five. Don’t people travel to Arkansas?)

So, imagine my delight when I came across this hunk of pure Ozarkian gold.

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The book is Down in the Holler: A Gallery of Ozark Folk Speech, by Vance Randolph. This thing’s got chapters like, “Backwoods Grammar,” “Ozark Pronunciation,” “Unusual Words and Meanings,” “Sayings and Wisecracks,” and lots more. I’m telling you, if there were a college course called Ozarkian English 101, this would be the text book. (Can you tell I’m excited to find this book?)

Randolph was not the leading expert on Ozark language and culture, I’m pretty sure he was the only expert. He spent decades living in the hill country, traveling all over the various towns in both Arkansas and Missouri, and just learning about the people. Then he wrote lots of books. I’ve already read his book, Ozark Superstitions (which is available for free download here), so I suppose I should’ve thought to look for this one sooner. But holy cow, it’s good stuff.

And here’s why writing in character voice is so tough. Aside from learning how the people in your novel’s little part of the world might talk, you must also find a way to convey their speech in writing, making it sound as authentic as possible, but without getting so dialecty that people can’t read it. (Or worse, they can read it, but they can tell you’re trying too hard, and it’s pulling them out of the story.)

This is my biggest problem with Pearly. According to Randolph, Ozarkers mix up their vowel sounds and their subject-verb agreement. And they use a vocabulary not likely to be found in most of the rest of the country. (Have you ever heard of a gollywhopper? A goose drownder? A goozle? What about government socks? These are just some of the G’s!)

In other words. I. Love. How these people. Talk. And I’m going to have sooo much fun writing my character.

So here’s a snippet of my first attempt at one of Pearly’s chapters, written in (hopefully believable) Ozark voice. What do you think?

Christine an’ her husband thinks I’m here fer me. Thinks I’m a-ridin’ along. Lettin’ my grand-youngin’ take care of her helpless, susy Nanny, who don’t talk none. Who can’t do nothin’ to feed herself vittles or wipe her own behind.

An’ let me ask you. When’s the last time you seen me a-needin’ my behind wiped? Christine and that man can’t seem to remember that. But I was nary a baby the last time mammy took a towel to my butt, an’ I ain’t needed no help with it since.

Let them thinks it. I gots better things to worry me anymore.

Like a-gettin’ this paw paw spread out an’ around. I sprinkles the grinded-up root around up over the perimeter of our property. I wants to lay out broomsticks too, but Christine might would pick them up when she sees. Clay might could miss them. Might could trip. Wouldn’t that be an awful shame? If only I could know fer sure he’d be the fist one out’n the house.

Fer now the paw paw’ll have to do. That an’ the crosses. I scratches them in over the dirt around about the property, an’ hangs some real ones from up there on the tree an’ bushes. I skips the branch a-stretchin’ up on over Chrisine’s Jesus. He can fend for hisself.

It’s a first draft, but I like it so far. (OK, I’ve been over it more than once. I’d NEVER show you a real first draft.) Bear in mind, Pearly only has about seven or eight chapters in the book, so most of it isn’t this thick. I’m hoping it’s just enough.

Do you have any ideas for improving dialect in your writing? Please let me know in the comments section below. I LOVE hearing from you!

Waiting for The Aha

So here I am, about 8,000 words into my first draft of Freedom City. I started working on this novel a few months ago, but I got stuck. What I’d written so far wasn’t working, so I had to scrap most of it and go back into my outline.

Now, when I say “most of it,” it really wasn’t much. A few thousand words. Losing those words wasn’t painful at all. I’ve lost much more on my first two novels.

After three months of writing Going Home, I realized the voice was all wrong. I think I might’ve scrapped close to 40,000 words. (I’m actually kind of appalled that I can’t remember exactly how many words I scrapped. Those words were my brain children. My severely disabled brain children who needed my love and care. Sorry babies.)

I got about 40,000 words into Women Like Us before I realized I’d started it in the wrong place. I’m pretty sure I cut 30,000 of those words too. That’s three-quarters of what I’d written so far. But hey, I was getting better.

So losing a few thousand words from Freedom City was really no big deal. But here’s where the neurotic wheel in my brain starts spinning. Why haven’t I lost more?

I guess the first obvious answer is that I haven’t written more. But is that it? I already got stuck. I already had to go back into my outline and figure out what the heck I was doing with this novel. That’s the tradition. Shouldn’t this happen at 30 or 40 thousand words? Is everything I’m writing now just kindling for the pyre I’m going to make out of this manuscript before I can really get into it the right way.

I need to stop thinking this way. Because you know what? If I hadn’t written those 30,000 word babies, I’d never have figured out what my book was really about. I wouldn’t have known the right way to write it.

So maybe they weren’t word babies. Maybe they were word parents who selflessly sacrificed themselves to make the rest of the manuscript stronger. It hurt to lose them. Especially in Women Like Us, because I’d written such a marvelous back story for my characters that simply didn’t fit into the novel once I’d figured out which way it was going. Though the words may not physically be there, they did inform the story. I know what happened in Lemon’s and Rayline’s past, even if I did have to chop it out, and that’s what made them the characters they are.

Does your writing process include any maddening but necessary “traditions” like mine? Let me know in the comments section below. I’d love to hear from you!

Fun things I’ve learned through novel research

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John and Marlena have been talking divorce! But he only wanted to get Kristen to sleep with him so Brady would break up with her!

To detect a witch, put a Bible under her mattress, put a broomstick in her path, scratch across underher chair, or put a little pawpaw in her tobacco. Any of these things will make a witch deathly sick. You could also get a new awl and fix it so just a little bit of the tip sticks out in the seat of a chair, then get the witch to sitinit. If she screams and jumps up, she’s not a witch, because a witch couldn’t feel it.

Someone ran the 800 meter in less than 1min. 41 seconds!

Many life insurance policies really do pay in the event of suicide.

If you see a hog in the road, turn around. Wherever you are going, you are not welcome.

What’s the most interesting thing you’ve ever learned through novel research?