How to Get Away with Murder

 

This morning, Raymond got in major trouble for climbing on Gianni’s crib (which he has been warned about 1000 times) because he actually caused some damage to it. Matt managed to fix it, but it could’ve been really bad, so no TV or dessert for Raymond for a while.

Just now, I heard a loud crash upstairs, then Raymond crying, “MOOOOOOOOMMMMM!!!! MOOOOOOOOOMMMM!!! HEEEEELLLLLPPP!!!”

I went running upstairs, “What happened???”

Raymond was lying on the floor next to the crib. “Nothing you need to know about!”

OK, so obviously he was climbing on the crib again. Good grief. Do I need to electrify this thing?

“Were you climbing on the crib?” I inspected the bars and rails for damage. Everything seemed OK.

“No!” Raymond clutched his back and rolled around on the carpet, clearly in pain. “I hurt my back!”

I rolled my eyes and tried my best not to laugh. “How did you hurt it, Bud?” I knelt next to him and gathered him into my lap.

“I don’t want to tell you!”

“Because you were climbing on the crib again.”

“No I wasn’t!” He nuzzled his face into me and wrapped his little arms around my neck.

I let a chuckle escape. I couldn’t help it. This was so Raymond. Deny any wrongdoing despite mountains of evidence staring us both in the face, then turn on the sweet little boy charm and love on mommy.

In his bestest, sweetest, baby boy voice he said, “Will you carry me to the couch, since I hurt my back?”

Oh, that little stinker!

“Sure I will, Bud.”

After I laid him down and gave him a kiss, he turned to me, his eyes wide and brows raised. The corners of his mouth turned up in a smirk that he couldn’t hide. “Could I watch a little TV?”

Now I was really cracking up. “Are you serious?”

For the record, I didn’t let him watch any TV. But someday, when the kids are older and the girls complain that their little brother gets away with everything they were never allowed to do, they’ll probably be right.

Ay ay ay. This kid.

More Stuff My Kids Say

OK, so my last post on this topic was pretty funny. But since my kids keeping saying stuff, I thought I’d share a few more gems with you. I’ve been saving these up for a while!

You know there’s gonna be one where they embarrass me at Target:

Stephanie (Cashier at Target): So you guys out shopping with Mommy today?

Raymond: Yeah, we need some cream for my bottom. (Pulls down pants, turns around, and bends over.) Because I got a rash!

 

I really have no idea what this means:

“Have you ever used your eyes as lights, and then when you wanted to put down the lights, you took your eyeballs out and put them on the floor?”

-Emma, at 5 years old

“If you have a huge dinosaur inside your body, and you take it out of your body, then you know what you can do? Kill all the demons!”

-Raymond, at 3 years old

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery?

Me: Sophia, would you like some milk?

Sophia: I’m Mommy.

Me: OK. Mommy, would you like some milk?

Sophia: No. I only drink coffee and diet coke.

We’ll file this under “Ways to creep Mommy out”

Emma (at 4 years old): Mommy, what are those white things with no faces called?

Me: What white things?

Emma: They’re white and they have no faces, or skin, or hair, or arms, or legs, or feet.

Me: Where did you see them?

Emma: They’re flying around our house.

Me: I have no idea.

Umm…so sweet?

“Mom, I think I still love you.”

-Raymond, at 4-years-old

 I wish!

Sophia (at 3 years old): Mommy, can we go to Kateri’s pool tomorrow morning?

Me: No, Honey. It’s winter. The pool’s closed.

Sophia: No, I said tomorrow morning.

Me: Tomorrow morning will still be winter.

Sophia: Oh…(brief pause)…Is the beach closed in winter?

Probably true, honey. 

“Mom, maybe if you didn’t have so many kids, you wouldn’t lose your brains.”

Emma, at 6 years old 

Ode to Nap Time: A Limerick

Image courtesy 7-themes.com

Image courtesy 7-themes.com

There once was a mom of 4 kids,
And momming was all that she did.
She wanted to write, like she used to at night,
But the baby never shut his eyelids.

All through the summer she played
At the pool for days upon days.
She soaked up the sun (and SPF fifty-one!
Don’t worry, the baby had shade!) Continue reading

Stuff My Kids Say

OK, I’m kind of cribbing Justin Halpern and his hilarious Twitter feed. But I think you’ll find this post a little cleaner than that [bleep] his dad says. 🙂

Public embrassement is a requirement of childhood

[Scene: Shopping at Target, within earshot of several customers.]

Sophia (at 3 years old): Mommmmmmyyyyy!! My numma hurts!

Emma (at 4 years old): Remember, we don’t call it a numma anymore. We call it a VAGINA.

Continue reading

When Story-Writing Comes in Handy

reindeer pic

 

You know how sometimes you make up a small lie and justify it because it serves a good cause? This is not one of those times. Perhaps the cause was good, but the lie was definitely not small. This is a story about how I made up an entire Christmas legend out of whole cloth, just to win an argument with my dad.

My father likes to have these “contests” where he emails my kids questions, and they can answer them for a prize. He’s actually kind of well-known as the family “Game Master.” Until this year, he ran popular Annual Christmas Game Contest (ACGC) filled with almost any kind of Christmas trivia you can imagine. It had some good prizes too.

After the 9th annual contest, he decided to call it quits. He’s not quite ready to hang up his Game Master hat, though. Hence, the questions for my kids. His last email contained these questions: Continue reading

The Princesses Are Coming! The Princesses Are Coming!

Last year, right after Thanksgiving, I woke up early before the kids and found this ridiculous mess in my kitchen.

Princesses chocolates

I was suspicious, of course. Had the kids been up already? Sure enough, I could hear them moving around upstairs, so I went to the girls’ room and asked them to explain the mess in the kitchen. Continue reading

Under-Celebrated Milestones

If you’re anything like me, when your kids were little, you pored over all those child development books searching for signs that your baby was “advanced.�?

“Did you hear that? She just said, ‘Ba ba ba!’ That’s a consonant sound! She’s making consonant sounds at five months and eighteen days and she’s not supposed to do that until she’s six months! She’s going to be President!�? Continue reading