Since my New Year’s Resolutions from last year were pretty much a bust, I thought instead of coming up with a new list of things I probably won’t accomplish next year, I’d make a list of things I hope we can leave behind this year.
So here we are…
Five Things 2014 Can Take with Him When He Goes
(Don’t ask me why 2014 is a “Him.” It just came out.)
1. The 50 pounds of chocolate and sugar still in my house from Christmas. This is really all my fault. I bake cookies for people as Christmas gifts. Aside from my kids, nieces and nephew, and my diabetic aunt, I pretty much give everyone cookies. I’m not even very good at baking, as my Facebook friends can tell you. (Just last week, I embarrassingly revealed that I do not know the difference between corn starch and corn meal, or evaporated and condensed mile, but I digress.) But every year, I bake up batches and batches of cookies as gifts for friends, family, and neighbors. I make a list of whom I need to give cookies to, but I’m always afraid that I’ve forgotten someone, so I make several extra batches, just in case. And since I give people cookies, people usually give me cookies too. Or some other sweet treats. (This year I got some incredibly good Oreo truffle balls from my friends, Dave and Cara. Thanks, guys!) All of this is so, so good. It’s just that by this point in the year, I don’t think I can even look at another chocolate-covered cherry or gingerbread cookie, but I still have a bazillion of them in my house. Maybe when 2014 leaves, he can sneak off with all my remaining sweets. (And to all my friends and neighbors, pretend you didn’t see this. I will have forgotten all about my distaste for sugar by next Christmas, I promise.)
2. Scare-mongering internet memes that try to convince you that everything in your life is out to kill you. You know what I mean. I’m sure you’ve seen these. One of your friends on Facebook or Twitter shared a picture of brightly-colored produce with a tagline that goes something like, “Think vegetables are making you healthy? Think again! Here is a list of 20 life-threatening illnesses caused by carrots!” There’s never any evidence cited in these memes, but it’s on the internet, so it must be true. Half of your friends vow to never eat carrots again. Even if you do hours worth of research to show them that the claim is bunk, they still insist that veggies are the devil. The meme said so! And they can even find more unsupported internet memes that say the same thing! It’s not just vegetables that can kill you, either. I bet if I searched hard enough, I could find memes claiming the homicidal power of puppy kisses, hugging your children, and Santa Claus. I don’t know for sure what motivates the people who make these memes in the first place, but I’m guessing they’re all coming from some bored suburbanite who’s never been able to get people to take their warnings seriously until they discovered the power of anonymity on the internet. Let’s make 2015 the year that we pull back the curtain and realize that literally anyone can post stuff on the internet. It doesn’t make it true.
3. Facebook status updates that tell all your friends how much better your life is now that you’re not on Facebook. OK, OK, we get it. Facebook was sucking your life away. It was an unhealthy addiction that you were supporting by stealing your mother’s silver and selling your children to the neighborhood crack dealer. And now that you’re off of Facebook, it’s as if a film has been removed from your eyes and your head’s been lifted from some impenetrable fog you didn’t even realize existed until now. You’re having conversations with your family! You’re going for walks and meeting neighbors! Food tastes better! Your marriage has been saved! You’re a healthier, better you!
Well guess what? Some of us don’t feel like Facebook is ruining our lives. We actually enjoy our interactions with friends online. Maybe it’s even brought us closer to friends we’d lost touch with and [gasp] enriched our social interactions. That’s why we’re, you know, here on Facebook, able to read your status update.
4. Snarky blog posts that complain about what other people post online. Who is this lady complaining about know-it-all internet memes and anti-Facebook status updates, anyway? She can post any whiny thing she wants just because it’s on a blog and not Facebook? Well, I don’t know, but I sure hope this is her last post of 2014.
(Sorry guys, I couldn’t resist. I’ve been sick for days, and all my thoughts seem to come out as snark right now. Here’s to being more positive in 2015!)
Which brings me to…
5. This cold. OK, cold. You’ve hung around long enough. I’ve been in bed, miserable, for days. I haven’t left my house. I’ve barely seen my kids. I’ve been running my saintly husband ragged with taking care of me, the kids, the house, and everything else. My joints ache, I can’t sleep or breathe, and my bed is starting to resemble a used tissue factory. You can just leave with 2014, alright? That gives you one more day. I suggest you spend that being a little nicer to me.
What do you want to leave behind in 2014? I’d love to hear from you!