More Stuff My Kids Say

OK, so my last post on this topic was pretty funny. But since my kids keeping saying stuff, I thought I’d share a few more gems with you. I’ve been saving these up for a while!

You know there’s gonna be one where they embarrass me at Target:

Stephanie (Cashier at Target): So you guys out shopping with Mommy today?

Raymond: Yeah, we need some cream for my bottom. (Pulls down pants, turns around, and bends over.) Because I got a rash!

 

I really have no idea what this means:

“Have you ever used your eyes as lights, and then when you wanted to put down the lights, you took your eyeballs out and put them on the floor?”

-Emma, at 5 years old

“If you have a huge dinosaur inside your body, and you take it out of your body, then you know what you can do? Kill all the demons!”

-Raymond, at 3 years old

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery?

Me: Sophia, would you like some milk?

Sophia: I’m Mommy.

Me: OK. Mommy, would you like some milk?

Sophia: No. I only drink coffee and diet coke.

We’ll file this under “Ways to creep Mommy out”

Emma (at 4 years old): Mommy, what are those white things with no faces called?

Me: What white things?

Emma: They’re white and they have no faces, or skin, or hair, or arms, or legs, or feet.

Me: Where did you see them?

Emma: They’re flying around our house.

Me: I have no idea.

Umm…so sweet?

“Mom, I think I still love you.”

-Raymond, at 4-years-old

 I wish!

Sophia (at 3 years old): Mommy, can we go to Kateri’s pool tomorrow morning?

Me: No, Honey. It’s winter. The pool’s closed.

Sophia: No, I said tomorrow morning.

Me: Tomorrow morning will still be winter.

Sophia: Oh…(brief pause)…Is the beach closed in winter?

Probably true, honey. 

“Mom, maybe if you didn’t have so many kids, you wouldn’t lose your brains.”

Emma, at 6 years old 

Dear Agent: A Limerick

My book is done! Halleluia! Pack up the babies and a nice bottle of the fizzy stuff. We’re going to Disney World, folks!

OK, maybe I’m getting a little ahead of myself. I ought to work on getting it published first, don’t you think? So for the last two weeks or so, I’ve been sewing wool yarn through my eyeballs working on my query letter.

Since the real one is driving me bonkers, I thought I might have a little fun with a limerick. What do you think? I’m expecting a ton of full requests. ;)

Dear agents of best-selling writers,
The publishing world’s insiders,
I’ve written a book.
Won’t you take a look?
I’ve heard you like being inspired.

It’s got everything you could want,
Even vampire debutantes.
And I think you’ll agree,
The world needs to see
A new Odyssey set in Vermont.

My protagonist is quite unique.
She collects chewed up gum and antiques.
But by night she moonlights
As a feminine Knight,
Who battles in high heels (I think).

My friends all think that it’s great
Right up to page four thousand eight.
So if you want to get rich
Just sell me your pitch
To represent me. I’m really first rate.

So hop to it and try to call dibs.
Books like this don’t last long in this biz.
Good luck to you all!
I’ll wait for your call.
Sincerely, Where The Heart Is