Rule 1: NO KETCHUP ON HOT DOGS!

This is going to be a controversial post. Many of you will disagree with me. Some will be offended. I’m sorry, but this just has to be said: ketchup does not belong on hot dogs.

This is the platinum rule of food-eating for grown ups. The “Never get involved in a land war in Asia” rule, if you will.

No ketchup on hotdogs. As a matter of fact, it doesn’t belong on any food besides burgers and fries. (Chips to you Aussies and Brits.) No eggs. No fish sticks. No chicken nuggets. Just burgers and fries.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Have you really never put ketchup on a chicken nugget? I don’t believe it!.”

Well, yes I have. When I was 2. There is only 1 way for grown ups to eat chicken nuggets, and that’s in a moving minivan while rushing between the pediatrician and Aliviyah’s orange-themed half-birthday party, for which you were required to buy your children new orange outfits and a series of themed gifts wrapped in increasingly larger orange gift bags with purple tissue paper.

Why the purple tissue paper, Aliviyah? Is “orange everything” as boring as spelling your name with an “O”? Stop trying to stand out and just spell your name the normal way!

The point is, there is a proper way to eat ketchup, and many, many incorrect ways. And ever since the day I witnessed a Subway patron ordering ketchup on her Chicken Bacon Ranch sub, I’ve realized that too many people are unaware that they are, frankly, wrong in their use of condiments.

You may be thinking, “What’s the big deal? I’m the one eating the hot dog. Shouldn’t I eat it the way I like it?”

Sure. It’s your hot dog. Nobody can stop you from ruining it with ketchup. This is a free country. If you want to top it with a syrupy-sweet sauce best known for getting small children to eat their dinner, you are free to do so. You are also free to add honey, vegemite, or bits of minced rat droppings if you want.

In fact, why stop with a hot dog? If you are so inclined to drown all flavor out of your food with sugar, why not do it with everything you eat? Try some ketchup on spaghetti. Squirt it over pork rinds. Mix it in with your milkshake. Why doesn’t everyone eat ketchup this way? Oh, right. Because it’s disgusting.

Henceforth, anyone who uses ketchup to flavor a hotdog shall be required to eat in a high chair, wearing a bib, while their dad makes airplane noises and pretends to fart.

So the next time you’re at a barbecue with a juicy, all beef hotdog on a sesame seed bun, think twice before reaching for that ketchup bottle. The grown ups of the world thank you.

 

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