Hopefully, all of your children can name at least 1 character from a book, movie, or television show whom they absolutely adore. These are your Nemos, your Boo Boos, your Harry Potters. All of the 101 Dalmatians.
You can’t help but root for these guys. They’re so earnest and good natured. Your kids love them. You love them. Everyone’s happy.
The characters in this list, however, are none of those things. They are irritating. Irksome. They’re like socks that are a bit too small so they keep slipping down the back of your heel. You walk around all day with creased sock under your foot, trying to block out that aggravating sensation of stepping on balled up yarn every time you move but it just won’t let up. And you know you can’t just take it off because you’re on some f*@ing nature walk letting your kids admire rocks and sticks that they could’ve seen in your own damn yard!
Why are these rocks and sticks any better than YOUR rocks and sticks? Are they magic? If you pelt them at your foot, will it make this tiny sock burst into flames and disintegrate into a pile of ash?
These 13 children’s characters are like your too-small socks. There’s nothing to like about them, they don’t fit their role, and once they are finally out of your life, they are certain to be surrounded by filth and refuse.
1. Barney the Dinosaur. Picture it. It is late 2019. Barney the Dinosaur has, by now, lured hundreds of millions of four-year-olds into his bizarre cult based on singing, dancing, and using LSD to enhance one’s “imagination.” He has them hypnotized with a voice that sounds like Mel Gibson’s drunk video played back at half speed.
The children’s parents have tried desperately to break the purple marshmallow’s spell, understandably confused as to why none of their kids have yet vomited from ingesting that much syrup. The sheer volume of sugar spewing from Barney’s mouth should’ve caused a diabetic coma by this point. But no matter how hard the parents try, they can’t pull their kids out from under his spell. The authorities laughed each time they tried to report him. “He’s a TV character! Stop obsessing, helicopter mom!” That’s just it! Our children are obsessing! We can’t make them stop! And then it happens. The inevitable slip up. After a morning ride on an imaginary fire truck, Barney picks off a child from another dinosaur family. And they fight back.
2. Elmo. This one might seem like a throw-away, considering Kevin Clash, the actor who played Elmo, was accused of sexually abusing 3 kids. (For those who don’t remember, the charges were dismissed because the kids waited too long to come forward, and the statute of limitations had passed. Stupid justice system.)
But I’m not talking about Kevin Clash. I’m talking about Elmo. Yes, that furry, sweet little red monster from Sesame Street. His future of debauchery has nothing to do with abusing children, though. It’s that VOICE! I’m telling you, some day, he’s going to whistle-talk to some over-tired mom before she’s had her coffee and she’s going to punch him in his red, furry balls.
And then he’s going to fall on the floor, obviously, because that’s what happens in that type of scenario. But then he’ll remember all of the other moms who have punched his nether-regions in retaliation for his screeching whine, and he’ll decide he’s had enough. Once his testicles have returned to homeostasis, he’ll get up, stomp toward the mom, and shout, “Elmo MAD! Elmo want you to DIE!” At this point, the mom will realize that all along, Animal was Elmo on meth, and she’d awakened the monster. An enormous brawl will ensue, and both Elmo and the mom will spend the night in jail. A family ruined. WAY TO GO, ELMO!
3. Dora the Explorer: If it’s not obvious to you by now, Dora is a heroin addict. She never knows where she’s going, she talks to inanimate objects, and she can’t see things that are right in front of her face.
“Where do we go next to get to the play park?” There! Right there! The play park is right in front of your wide, blinking face! “What did you say? The play park is down the blue path? I’ll wait for you to answer while I stare at you in awkward silence.”
4. Caillou: Ever wonder why Caillou is always in such a hurry to grow up? This kid is so impossibly spoiled and whiny, you’d think he’d want to be a lazy little toddler his entire life. He’s really got it good. So why does he want to be “big” so badly? It’s not because brushing your own teeth is super-cool exciting. It’s street fighting. Caillou has gotten caught up in a gang of degenerates who roam the streets, beating people up for money and forcing them to learn about sensitivity to other cultures. That’s why you hear him talk about wanting to stay up late and be a “big boy” so often. His gang fights at night, and the big boys get the biggest drops.
He has a dark future ahead of him. The police will bring him in for questioning on a double-homicide after he’s caught selling prosthetic eyebrows and chins on the black market. Once DNA testing reveals that his hair and skin are 95% plastic, 4% ceramic, and 1% unknown, the cops will finally realize that the blunt-force trauma which killed their homicide vic was caused by a horrifying toupee.
6. Chilly the Snowman. Have you ever seen anyone worry so much? I mean, dang, Chilly! Take a Zoloft! His future mainly involves living under a bridge, muttering about everything he fears: the dark, scary stories, and lego castles that haven’t passed inspection.
7. Max from “Max and Ruby.” There is evil behind those eyes. Max’s stare can penetrate glass, lead, and a clique of teenage girls who have been excluding nerds since second grade. Does this kid ever stop demanding stuff? And why can he only speak one word at a time? Is his cerebral cortex plugged in? Has his language processing been damaged? He’s in for a future of grunting at old ladies and mugging them for their arthritis meds.
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