Remember when parents of average-named children used to roll our eyes at those “earthy” types who gave their babies names like “Believe,” or “Sky”? If only they were all that normal. 2017 has delivered millions of babies so far this year, but only a few are as cool as these.
- Beberly: Beberly is still a bit too old to be Bieber’s bae, but she’s libbing it up in Beberly Hills. Biba la Beberly!
- Danger: You thought Anthony Weiner was the only guy edgy and cool enough to name himself after a synonym for “risky business.” But these babies in my squad is lit, bruh!
3. Little Sweetmeat: Are you effing kidding me? I have no words. Sorry. I can’t even make fun of this poor kid’s parents. They’re clearly beyond help.
4. Aliviyah and Ehann wylle groawe up to beighe the (h)aughttest cupple in Beberly Hylls.
5. Colon: “Hi, I’m Colon. I’d love to transport your fecal matter to your rectum. Or perhaps you’d like to place me before your enumerated list in a sentence. Either way, I’m super useful.”
6. Abcde: As of 2014, there were 328 human beings named Abcde. I swear to God.
7. ‘Merika: Damn straight. ‘Merika ain’t takin’ no crap from nobody. Buy that baby a red baseball cap and a pickup truck, cuz he was born ridin’ a bald eagle shootin’ a Ruger and pissin’ red, white, and blue, baby! Yeehaw!
8. Melanomia is the prettiest little cancer at the playground. Also, don’t f*&k with her.
9. Harley Quinn: That’s her first name. She may grow up to be a bodacious, bodice-ripping beauty, or a Garbage Pail Kid. Either one. You never know.
10. Meldor: If the Council of Elrond needs someone to deliver the the Ring of Power to the Crack of Doom and destroy it, Meldor will come through.
11. I’munique: You know she’s one of a kind. It’s right there in her name.
12. Elizabreth: For those generous parents who wish to give grade school bullies as much material as possible. Thank you, parents. Your child will forever be known as the kid with bad breath.
13. Ahmiracle: Apparently, this name has been around since 2011. I suppose I’m behind the times. Again. I told you these names were too cool for me.
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