13 Reasons Mommy Needs Wine

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  1. It’s my “yelling medicine.”
  2. Because no amount of Clorox can bleach away the near permanent pee stains that surround my toilet.
  3. To celebrate my baby’s 2nd birthday, my subconscious decided to take me on an REM trip through my vivid memories of his birth. And, thanks to a large mirror that my midwife so kindly put by my feet, the clear, unedited view I had of his enormous head stretching it’s way through my vagina. There are some things you just can’t unsee. (Without wine, that is.)
  4. Wine dulls all of your senses, including smell. This should really count as 6 or 7 reasons.
  5. Think of the job loss that would occur if the wine industry lost all of their revenue from mom sales. I’m doing it for America. (Or at least California. And possibly several regions in France, Italy, and Australia. It’s global altruism at its finest. You’re welcome, World.)
  6. The poop never stops coming. It really never stops.
  7. I just hosted a sleepover party for 8-year-old girls. I’ve earned this glass.
  8. It helps me forget all the people I want to punch in the face.ย 
  9. My son is currently obsessed with listing all of the items in our house that we wouldn’t want a balloon to touch. It makes much more sense after a couple glasses of wine.
  10. Every time I go to kiss my 5-year-old, he sticks out his tongue at the last second so it feels like I’m frenching him. I have promised to tell this story to every girlfriend he ever brings home.
  11. If you think that’s bad, the last time I changed the baby’s diaper, he very politely asked me to blow on his butthole.
  12. No amount of anxiety medication can erase the trauma I experienced from the biological disaster that the baby left in his diaper.
  13. Because I’m mom, and I said so.

Create your own Thursday 13 and post it here! Or join in #thelistlinky.

You Baby Me Mummy
Twin Mummy and Daddy

 

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45 comments

  1. Especially the last one. I like beer. They used to give it to mothers to be in England because for the health benefits! Mostly I use tea to slow me down, stop and sit. Moms need food rubs with wine!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am actually going to take up drinking, I think. I’ve been a tea-totaler all of my life but I am starting to think a glass of wine in the evening might help me sleep. But I have to see if it will interact with my meds first. Happy drinking!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This childless old geezer always enjoys reading such lists. Maybe once or twice per decade I re-think my decision to refrain from procreation. I rarely waiver, but if I did, I’m glad I have accounts such as yours to review and reinforce the correctness of my actions.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Happy to help. It’s a community service that I provide. Though I must admit, it’s a remarkable and mysterious thing, but I’d sooner give up my right arm and both legs than any one of my kids. (Don’t take my wine, though. That’s where I draw the line.)

      Like

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  5. Hilarious! Especially #7, 10 and 11. I have a list of things I never thought I would say and things like blowing on buttholes are on it ๐Ÿ˜‰ enjoy that bottle, er glass of wine ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Like

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