Hellloooooo, dear readers! I’m back! Back from a long, miserable absence from the blogosphere! Oh, how I have missed you!

I apologize for my lengthy absence. Some of you may have wondered where I’d gone. Others are scratching your heads and wondering if you’ve ever heard of me before. Is she the one with the limericks? Or the one who can’t do yoga? The mom with the daughter who wishes she could make diarrhea shoot out of her sister’s mouth? I’m so confused. (Don’t worry. So am I.)

Oh! Now I remember! Her kids stole her brain! (Yes. Unfortunately, that was me.)

As I contemplated my return to blogging, I thought about how I would explain my very long hiatus. I have absolutely no good excuse for taking nearly a year off of blogging. Fortunately, I do have plenty of alternative excuses. And since #alternativeeverything is trending right now, I figured I’d better get these excuses out there before they go out of style.

The fact is, I’m a world class blogger. Believe me. The best blogger you’ve ever seen. This blog has been tremendously successful. Tremendous. People are saying, and they can’t believe it, but many, many people have told me that this is the best blog out there.

So why would I stop blogging for such a long time? Well, maybe I didn’t. Maybe I’ve been here all along. It’s possible that I’ve written hundreds of blog posts over the past year. Nobody knows for sure.

But if I didn’t, it is only because my internet connection was stolen by millions of people blogging illegally. They hacked into my wifi signal and used up all my bandwidth. If bandwidth is even a thing anymore. I hear that people everywhere are giving up on bandwidth. It’s gotten so bad, children are pledging membership to gangs just to get more bandwidth.

Prostitutes are selling it. Especially the number one, which I enjoy very much, to be honest with you. I’ve had a steady stream of number one bandwidth forever. Never ran out. If one stream got too low, I’d break the seal on a new one. So prostitutes have no business with it. It was leaked. And not the good kind of leak, either. The kind we have to stop. We’re going to stop it.

But either way, I’m back now! I’ve missed you! I hope you enjoy what I’ve put together here. I have some new features, including a column written by my enterprising and articulate dog, Lucy. Plus some of the old stuff is coming back. I’m going to keep doing Writing Quote Tuesday and Photo Friday. And of course you know there will be limericks! So stay tuned, lovely readers! And thank you for being here!