My Dog’s Christmas List

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Alternate Title: The Christmas Wish List of Lucimus Goosimus Varcinius Maximus Roder (Lucy to her friends)

This is Lucy. 

Image

As you can see, she is quite adorable. That ridiculous nickname above is courtesy of my husband. She also goes by Lucy Goose, Snorty McSnortferson, Stanley the Grumpy Old Man, and Puppy. I’m pretty sure I gave her at least one of those names. You’ve heard dozens of stories about my kids, but honestly, Lucy is my first baby, and the first person to whom Santa brought presents in the Roder household. I’ve long believed that she was a human trapped in a dog’s body. Since that ten month-old baby got to dictate a letter to Santa, I thought I’d send out the wish list I’m sure Lucy would write herself, if only she had opposable thumbs.

Dear Santa,

I very much enjoyed the giant rawhide candy cane you brought me last year. The squeaky toys were good too. I LOVE TO PLAAAAAYYY!! Honestly, the squeakers go a little quickly. I weigh only twenty pounds. You’d think your elf sweat shop could construct an air-filled plastic pillow to withstand my puppy teeth. BUT THANK YOU!!!! I LOVE YOU AND I LOVE ALL PEOPLE!!! PEOPLE ARE THE BEEEEESSSSSSTTTT!!!

But I digress. I have a list for you below of some presents which I think you will find a bit more…suited to my tastes. I know that you are Santa Clause, and the best at choosing gifts. I only offer you a little help. Helping is what I do. AND I CAN’T WAIT UNTIL YOU’RE HERE!!!! SANTA’S HERE! SANTA’S HERE! EVERYBODY LOOK! SANTA’S HERE. False alarm. My apologies. See you on Christmas Eve. I SEE YOU!!! YOU’RE HERE! EVERYBODY, EVERYBODY, SANTA’S HEEEEEEERE!!!

Again, my apologies. Here is the list:

1. A squirrel on a tether in the backyard. 

ImagePlease, oh please, oh PLEASE, Santa! I promise I will not hurt the squirrel. I only want to chase him. You can tie the other end of this string to a pole in the middle of the yard, and the squirrel and I can run around and around and around. Every time I chase him now, he runs straight up a tree the instant he sees me. I think you will agree that this is unsporting, as I can not climb trees.

2. To finally catch hold of the danger that is lurking outside our door.

ImageSanta, I am telling you, the immediate outdoor vicinity of our house is fraught with danger. LOOK AT THIS DOOR!!! (This is not our door, but I want to pee on it.) My family is completely unaware of The Danger. I should not say “completely unaware,” because I have warned them thousands of times. I hear sounds outside. SOUNDS!! Sometimes The Danger is spied by my neighbor dogs as they walk past our house, and we bark loud, clear warnings to each other, all for the protection of our families. But NOBODY LISTENS! Someday these people are going to get themselves killed. You must help me protect them.

3. For Mom to put this person on the floor BEFORE his bath.

ImageHonestly, Santa. She is ALWAYS complaining about the mess he makes when he eats. I could take care of this for her in two luxurious minutes! Please make her put the baby on the floor, Santa. Delegation works! Use your team!

4. The delicious contents of this thing.

ImageThey have plenty of them to spare! And they are filled with the marvelous smells of things that I only infrequently gain access to. They even have one filled with diapers. DIAPERS!! But I am not greedy. I will settle for the tissues and things they keep in the small one in the bathroom. I prefer the kids’ bathroom, but I will take Mom and Dad’s bathroom trash if you think that is asking too much.

5. For my mom to lose all dog Halloween costumes.

Image ImageThis is what she does to me. Every. Year. Do I look like Satan? Or a pig? I am a dog. Please allow me a little pride. I know you normally only leave things under the Christmas tree, but perhaps you wouldn’t mind stealing these things from our house. They are in a box in the basement. Please do not consider this beneath your integrity. People steal things from me all the time. Socks, Christmas ornaments, balls. My dignity. They seem to think this is perfectly acceptable. Please steal these costumes from our basement. Or if you can not do it, perhaps one of your cohorts. Are you still in touch with The Grinch?

6. For this thing to die a slow, agonizing death.

ImageIt is evil, Santa! I am telling you, this thing roars the ugliest of roars! It is a hideous beast! I have some ideas for how to do it. They involve jumping, barking, and chewing through the cord. If you could just leave it out unattended when you come by our house, I can do the rest.

7. This giant vat of peanut butter.

ImageI’ve seen my mom make sandwiches with this stuff. Always for the little crazy ones. They eat it every day! They have gallons of it! All I am asking for is one, enormous vat of the stuff, all to myself. I will roll in it and swim through it. Then I will spend a lazy afternoon licking every last molecule of it from the vat. Or bowl. Whatever. Just please, PLEASE, bring me peanut butter!

Merry Christmas, Santa. I know you will come through for me. (PLEASE!)

Love,

Lucy

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