Dear Nicole, What Happens When a Toddler Drinks Wine?

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Dear readers,

In my diligent quest to connect with you, I have created a new tradition of publicly answering my fan mail. You might think that a relatively unknown blogger such as myself wouldn’t receive fan mail, and you’d be right. But that doesn’t mean that my readers don’t have questions for me, or comments to make. And it doesn’t mean that they don’t, at times, put pen to paper, write those comments down, and send them somewhere. I’m fairly certain that many of my readers write things down every day. Some even multiple times a day.

So I am here to answer you.

**Disclaimer: Some or all of these letters may have been fabricated.

Dear Nicole,

What credentials do you have to be answering questions. Frankly, you don’t seem like an expert in anything.


Skeptical in San Jose

Dear Skeptical,

I have a PhD in self-depracating BS. Thanks for the question!

Dear Nicole,

You claim that your children have stolen your brain, yet somehow you are able to breathe, write, and function as a human being. How is this possible? Isn’t a brain necessary for all of those things?


A Confused Neurologist

Dear Confused,

Great question! I’ve often wondered the same thing! Can a person even live without a brain? Or walk and talk? Apparently so, as demonstrated by reality television and presidential politics. Could I be some marvel of modern medicine? Will NIH send a white van to snatch me up so that they can study me on their Bethesda campus? Will I have to move to Montgomery County??? (PG 4 lyf!)

But the answer might be more obvious than either of us guessed. Maybe I don’t do any of those things that people with brains normally do. Think about it. Have you ever seen me breathe or function as a human being?

Thanks for the question, Confused. Now I’m questioning my own humanity.

Dear Nicole,

Help! I poured myself a glass of pinot to finish off the bottle before it had a chance to turn. I left the room for a minute, and my 3-year-old chugged it! What do I do?


Frantic Mom

Dear Frantic,

Whoa! That’s an emergency! You need more wine immediately. I always have at least three bottles on hand. You can order it online by the case so you’ll never run out. But since this is an urgent situation, I recommend a trip to the liquor store. Don’t let the drunk 3-year-old drive.

PS. Sounds like you have a very sophisticated toddler.

But seriously, do you really think he’s drunk? (If I’m being honest, he didn’t drink the whole glass. I gulped most of it before I left the room. He probably had one big swallow. Could he get drunk from just one swallow?)

That depends. Was it an African swallow or a European swallow?


Well, that’s it for this month’s mail. Hopefully “Frantic” will write back so that we can clear up her issues. Have a question for Dear Reader? Send it to me at

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