Have you ever wished you could dress like an eccentric, visually-impaired billionaire? Do you dream of designer clothing that costs more than a week’s salary but looks like it was designed by a drunk leprechaun who got fired from the hollow tree factory for selling peyote? Well have I got the gift guide for you!
And by “gift guide,” I mean “Treat Yo’ Self” guide. You can’t waste this stuff on your friends!
*PS. Disclaimer: I was neither paid nor given any free products to promote these items, as they so clearly sell themselves. But if you would like to send me a free pair of $2,000 shoes, please PM me.
**PPS. If you are looking for a pair of $2,000 shoes for a steep discount, please see my ebay store in approximately 7-10 business days.
The Sandal Sock
Have you ever thought to yourself, “I wish I could wear socks under my sandals more,” but you didn’t want to go to the trouble of actually putting on a pair of socks PLUS a pair of sandals? Or maybe you’d like to wear sandals, but you have an embarrassing ankle tattoo of a goat in a compromising position, and you’d rather look like you have weird, Buffalo Bill skin than show it off? Now, for only $1,190, you can pre-order this Ilse Sock Sandal from Nordstrom.com! That’s cheaper than two goat tattoo removals! (Come on, we both know you got both ankles done.)
Mary Janes, with that BIG something extra
Why waste your time buckling your shoe just one time, when you could fasten those babies five times, right up to your knees? Besides, this is your chance to finally wear boots, and still give those small children painted on your shins room to breathe. And for only $1,890! Win-Win!
3. Take the zoo with you!
Animal prints are so last-institutionalization. Truly unzipped fashionistas need a genuine tail wagging off of their heels, like this one that for some reason was plucked from a goat. You can buy these actual Gucci pumps from Nordstrom’s for the low, low price of $1,290.
4. Speaking of “Unzipped”
Have you ever wished you could just reach behind you, tug a zipper down your butt and around your crotch, and then peel your shorts outward from the middle, exposing your vagina to the world? And have you also thought, “I’d love to wear denim cutoffs that look like they were made by a pair of child safety scissors, but I don’t want to have to do the work myself.” Well, for only $1,160, Levi’s will hack them up for you! Pre-order this sexy number from Nordstrom.com today!
Do you love paper bags? Do you ever wish you could wear a pair of pants that make you look like you got caught walking naked behind a dumpster and had to grab the first trash bag you could see to cover up? Well then these pants from Stella McCartney–which are literally called “paper bag waist pants”–were made for you! These are a steal at $1,065. get yours today!
6. Fashionable Rips
Why wait for your toddler to rip the hemn off your skirt when you could pay $1,250 to have it pre-ripped? As a special bonus, you can tell all your friends that your sweet little 4-year-old learned to use the sewing machine and stitched you this skirt as her first project. All without you having to help a pre-schooler with a complicated craft!
Well, that’s all for “Treat Yo’ Self” today. Technically, I didn’t come up with thirteen things, but let’s face it, six overpriced and bizarre fashion pieces is six more than you’re ever going to buy.
How are you treating yourself this week? Show me your latest splurge! I love hearing from my readers!
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