You might have heard that Virginia’s Governor, Terry McAuliffe, has been talking smack about our Maryland crabs.
“You know, Maryland talks about its crabs. If anyone from Maryland is listening, I want to make this perfectly clear. All the crabs are born here in Virginia and they end up, because of the current, being taken [to Maryland]. So really, they should be Virginia crabs.”
–Virginia Governor Terry McAuliffe
I’ve got one thing to say to you, Governor:
Oh no you di-in’t!
I will say that the Governor’s correct that our crabs are conceived and hatched in Virginia’s saltier Chesapeake Bay waters. But then they smell that Zatarain’s crab boil and scramble their little larvae butts up to the land of Old Bay.
You want a piece of our crabs, Virginia? Do you even know how to cook a crab? Let’s head on down to Richmond for some boiled crab! said no one ever. (At least no one with any sense.) That meaty crustacean gave its life to be somebody’s dinner. The least you could do is steam it with some Old Bay, son!
Have you ever heard of somebody traveling across three states to taste a Virginia crab cake? Or Virginia crab soup? Hell no!
I bet you can’t even pick a crab, Virginia. That’s OK, though. It’s hard. It took my 4-year-old two whole tries to get it. Don’t worry. Come on up to Maryland and sit down with us. We’ll show you where to find all the good meat.
Is that what you were after with all that smack talk, Virginia? I bet you wanted an invitation to a Maryland crab feast and you just didn’t know how to ask nicely. You’re like that dude at Maryland’s bachelorette party who suddenly shows up on a stool in between Maryland and her best friend. The girls are like, where did this guy come from? And you’re all laughing at Maryland’s story about that time we saw Michael Phelps at Camden Yards as if you were there too. And the next thing we know, you’re ordering beer on our tab, because you know what beer goes great with? MARYLAND CRABS!
Speaking of Camden Yards, Virginia, I’ve been meaning to ask you, what’s it like not to have a professional sports team? Or maybe you think you have one. Are you going to try to claim the Orioles or the Ravens next?
By the way, I apologize for the impersonal nature of this letter. I intended to come talk to you in person. I was even going to bring you some Berger cookies and a Smith Island cake as a peace offering (since you seem to love our food so much). But when I got to the Potomac River Bridge, my car literally bucked and insisted I turn around to go home. I could faintly hear the voice of Obi Wan whispering, “Turn away from the Dark Side, Maryland!”
So here I am, back home. Where the heart is, as they say. Because no matter where you were born, home is where you belong. It’s where you choose to come back to even when you have the option of living somewhere else. It’s where the people know you, and where you know how to be.
Born in Virginia? Please. That ain’t no thang. Go ahead and claim your status as “The Birthplace of Maryland Crabs.” It can be your new state motto. We’ll keep cooking them up the way you like them, so you can stop by for dinner whenever you get sick of eating all that ham. Our door is always open.
Your friendly neighbor to the north
Oh, and PS: Terry McAuliffe was born in New York.