I Think You May Have Come to the Wrong Blog

Here’s a question. What the hell is wrong with you people? No, not YOU people, my normal, non-urine-obsessed readers. I’m talking to all the freaks who keep landing on my blog after searching for pictures of little girls peeing.

You all may not realize this, but people who run websites can actually see how you ended up on their site. Unfortunately, I can’t see your IP address. If I could, the FBI would already be at your door. But seriously, what is WRONG with you?

For those of you who are not creepy pervs, let me explain what happened. I have a WordPress hosted site, which means that WordPress keeps track of all of my blogging stats, including how many page views I get, how many unique visitors, and the way that visitors found my site.

Most bloggers aim to get as many page views from organic search as possible. These bloggers are usually selling some kind of product or service, so they want to show up on the search results for whatever it is they are selling. Since my blog is parenting humor, I don’t show up on a lot of search results pages. Most people aren’t googling “Children who stole their mother’s brains” or “Sisters who want to send each other to an island with no fingers.”  (Though one can dream, I suppose.)

Anyway, the type of stuff I write is more popular with Facebook than Google. (So, ahem, please share it. Ahem.)

I do get some hits from Google searches. A lot of them show up in my stats as “unknown search terms” because Google tries to protect users’ privacy. But apparently, if you’re some sick bastard who likes to look at little girls drinking pee, Google doesn’t care so much about people finding you out. They might even want people to find you out. (That may have a little something to do with you belonging in Hell. But, you know, that’s just my guess.)

How Dung-Sucking Creeps End up Here

At this point, my non-pervy readers are probably thinking, “OK, disgusting pedophiles are searching the internet for vomit-inducing filth. But what does that have to do with your blog, Nicole?” That’s a fair question. Here’s the answer.

A little more than a year ago, I wrote a post called “Girls Can Pee Outside Too, and 13 Other Things I Want My Daughter to Know.” In it, I offered my young daughters some heartfelt advice about taking care of their bodies, following their dreams, getting through the pre-teen drama, and yes, peeing outside. I also warned them about gutter-dwelling, pitiful men who lust after little girls. I hope the pee pee guys liked that part.

A lot of readers have found my blog after searching for the CDC hand-washing guidelines because of this post. And several have landed here after searching for something to do with apostrophe placement. I HOPE more people start landing here after Googling how to hire a freelance writer. I’m working on that one.

But by far, the MOST Google search page views I get come from psychos searching for something to do with watching little girls pee. Here is an incomplete list of what these worthless-collections-of-sewage-pipe-scrapings have been searching for:

• porn movies by young girls pee
• little girl caught peeing porn
• young girl drinking pee porn.com
• young girl pee naked
• daughter pee outside
• how do little girls go pee out the vagina naked

 

Come to think of it, that last one might have been educational in nature. Like, just how does a girl go pee out the vagina? What even is a vagina? I’ve heard rumors of its existence, but is it real?

I suppose if you have the face of a matamata turtle and the penis of a vampire bat, you might not have had the opportunity to see a vagina in real life yet. I mean, I assume you all smell like the inside of a diaper genie and a deer’s fatty tarsal glands, so maybe you haven’t had much human contact at all.

I have an idea. Let’s get everyone in your grotesque school of blob fish together for a fun little meet-and-greet. We’ll set you all out on the ocean in a floating shipping container, and you can pee on each other to your hearts’ content. There won’t be any wifi, but hey, it’s real, live pee! Just don’t come back, OK? Despite what you hear on TV, there’s not a lot of future for dumb fucks who get off on urine.

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