Oh My Darlin’ Hungry Kids

Readers, I have bad news. There has been a terrible tragedy.

You see, a few days ago, in an attempt to afford my children time to play in the fresh air and sunshine, I took them to the park. It started off well enough. We arrived to the playground with minimal whining and only one threat of disownment. Not exactly Nobel-worthy, but pretty good for us.

So the kids ran and played and skinned their knees. Raymond praised himself for his cartwheeling prowess. Sophia read her book under a tree while deftly avoiding the social death that would certainly come from accepting Emma’s invitation to play colonial times. And Gianni chatted up a little girl about his potty training regimen. (He gets 1 M&M for pee, 3 for poop, FYI.)

bright countryside dawn daylight
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Unfortunately, a 3-M&M opportunity presented itself to us just then, with no bathroom in sight. But no worries. The park was surrounded by woods, so the toddler and I walked a little ways back and I showed him how the animals do it. Wham, bam, thank you nature!

But as I mentioned at the start of this entry, our good fortune wasn’t to last forever. Alas, tragedy would soon strike, and I could see it coming with the arrival of Super Park Mom. You have probably seen her at one point or another. She’s totally put together. Never rushed for time, and never without a tool or trick to solve any woe. This one had a picnic blanket and potty chair. (No crapping behind a tree for her kid!) And of course, a fully stocked go-bag with perfectly portioned snacks for each of her children.

She pulled out her food, and my kids crept over, as unstealthily as possible. They moved in, as if on rollers and attached to marionette strings off stage. There are four of them, so they had each of the cardinal directions covered as they surrounded this helpless, snack-packing mom. It was exactly like that scene from Thriller when Michal Jackson’s girlfriend realizes that the zombies are all around her and there’s nowhere to run.

Is there a polar opposite to a ninja? If so, that’s the career my kids are most suited for. Zero boundaries when it comes to other people’s food, and zero humility either. They will hang their chins right over your shoulder, tongues dangling and saliva dripping onto your Goldfish crackers.

Then came the begging. “Can I have some snacks?” said Gianni.

I pulled him away from the well-prepared family. “No, buddy. That’s not ours.”

“But I want some!” he cried.

“Did we bring any snacks, Mommy?” said Sophia.

“No, honey.”

“Mom!” whined Raymond. “Why didn’t you pack anything?!”

I sighed. “Because you just ate breakfast and we’re having lunch in an hour. You don’t need a snack.”

photo--How could Motherhood be this hard? Everyone says being a mom is difficult. Nobody said it was easy. But is it really THIS hard? Do other moms experience daily temper tantrums, kid

“Nooooo!” Gianni cried. “I WANT SOME!”

The other mom looked at me pitifully. “We can share. It’s OK.” You poor, ill-prepared mom, she thought. (Probably.)

“Thanks, but they’re fine,” I said.

“MOM!” Emma shoved her fists into her hip bones. “Can you at least take us to McDonald’s?”

“What? No!” I said. “You guys, you literally JUST ate. You don’t need a snack.”

“But we’re STARVING!” Raymond said.

Oh, the tragedy! Oh the woe! Never before had there been a tale of such woe! In fact, it was so tragic, I decided to write a folk ballad for them. My poor, starving children. So here it is. Sing it to the tune of Clementine. And when you do, please think of my kids.

girl and woman sitting on brown rock
Photo by Nicholas Githiri on Pexels.com

Oh My Darlin’ Hungry Kids

In a big house
In a suburb
Livin’ peaceful for awhile,
Lived a father and a mother
With a crew of juveniles.

Well the mom, she
Knew that nature
Would be good for little minds.
So she took them to the playground
For a little playin’ time.

Now the mother,
Short on caffeine,
Couldn’t think what all to pack.
Brought some water and the sunscreen,
But she did not
Bring a snack.

Oh, my darlin’!
Oh, my darlin’!
Oh, my darlin’ hungry kids!
You are lost and
Gone forever
From an hour without some chips.

After climbin’
And survivin’
Slides and ladders,
Swings and all,
Oh, the kids said,
“Mom we’re hungry.
Whatcha got that we can gnaw?”

But the mama,
Close to cryin’
Searched all through
Her minivan.
Said, “Hold on a
Little longer,
Kids I’m doin’ what I can.”

After minutes
Looking under
All the seats from front to back,
She said, “Children,
I’m so sorry,
Guess I didn’t pack a snack.”

adorable beautiful blur boy
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Oh, my darlin’!
Oh, my darlin’!
Oh, my darlin’ hungry kids!
You are lost and
Gone forever
From an hour without some chips.

Oh the kids, they
Whined and cried out
“Mom, we’re starvin’! We’ll all die!
Need some pops or cheesy crackers
Or there’s no way
We’ll survive!”

But the foolish
Mom, she said, “I
Think you’re gonna
Be alright.” So their fruitless
Cries were met by
Nary sweet nor
Salty bites.

Oh, my darlin’!
Oh, my darlin’!
Oh, my darlin’ hungry kids!
You are lost and
Gone forever
From an hour without some chips.

Oh the children
They were starvin’
Worse than anyone alive!
Just how could they
Be expected
To be hungry
And survive?

After minutes
With no cookies
They did finally succumb
To the rumblin’
In their tummies
Much too hard to overcome.

‘Course the mother
In her grievin’
Knew the blame was on her back.
Oh you always
Should believe in
Kids who say they
Need a snack.

Oh, my darlin’!
Oh, my darlin’!
Oh, my darlin’ hungry kids!
You are lost and
Gone forever
From an hour without some chips.

 

adult beard countryside guitar
Photo by SplitShire on Pexels.com

 

And hey, if you enjoyed that, remember that I am a freelance writer. Hire me to help out with all your writing needs!

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