Emotional Advice from a Preteen?

I recently learned from Reddit that there’s an 11-year-old on the New York subway that sells emotional advice for two bucks a pop. No lemonade stand for this kid.

Lucy advice booth


And it got me thinking, my oldest is almost a tween. She’s certainly got the strong eyebrow game. Could she sell emotional advice to strangers? Why not? Sure, she once said her sister should have her hand chopped off for stealing a book, and she has been known to wish that diarrhea would come shooting out of a sibling’s mouth, but that doesn’t mean she can’t give sound advice to grown ups. In fact, I’m sure she’d be happy to give you her advice for free. I asked my daughter to give her advice on some of the age-old questions. Tips gratefully accepted.

Question: I have a boyfriend who I really, really love, but he never wants to get married. He doesn’t want kids either, and I really want marriage and kids. What should I do?

I would say, get a new boyfriend, but only as a last resort, because that doesn’t sound very romantic. If you want to be more romantic, sweet talk him into it, or ask him while he’s drunk. Yeah, ask him while he’s drunk, because then he’ll say yes. He’ll be drunk!

So here’s what you say to sweet talk him. “Oh, honey, I love you so much, and I think we’d be really happy if we had kids.”

If he says, “I think it would be too much work,” you say, “I’ll take care of them during the day!”

Let’s say he says, “What about on days when I don’t have work?”

You could say, “I’ll still be able to help you.”

If he says, “Well what if it costs too much,” the girl could say, “Honey, for every kid we have, we get a tax deduction.”

Maybe it would work. But if not, there’s always the option that he’s drunk. Like you could hook him up on an alcoholic IV. And if he’s not drunk, then get a new boyfriend!

Question: My life-long dream is to be a famous singer. Should I drop everything and move to LA to start my singing career?

If you’re 100 point 5 million percent sure that you won’t miss your home city and you can take your family with you, then go for it!

But beware of reporter attacks! You’re gonna be a famous singer. If Taylor Swift walked into the McDonald’s that we live near, wouldn’t a bunch of reporters come, and wouldn’t a lot of people be lining up to get her autograph? Do you want that to be your life? You’ll constantly be fending off crazy people!

You’d also have a lot of events to go to. Probably wouldn’t have enough time to cook your own dinner, either. Does that sound like something you want? If so, remember, if you walk into a restaurant in a place where lots of non-famous people are, have plenty of signed photos with you.

Now, if you’re not 100 point 5 million percent sure, then you can sing to entertain your family and friends. Like, you could start a business where you sing at special events. Start by writing your own songs and coming up with fees and giving out fliers. Be sure to make up some songs that are for little kids, just in case. After that, you should get ready for your first gig. It might be a birthday party. It might be a graduation, a wedding. You never know! Just be ready to sing, and do a good job. I think that would be just as much of a dream come true, personally.

Question: I think my best friend might be keeping a huge secret from me. I’ve asked her about it, and she says I’m imagining things, but I think she’s lying. What should I do?

Well, the first option is, ask someone else who knows her secret. Think to yourself, if you had to keep a really big secret, who would you tell it to? That’s the person who might know. It could be her parents, her sweetie, or her cat. (Hahaha! The cat thing was a joke!)

So you find the person who knows the secret and you say to them, “I think ___________ is keeping a really big secret from me! Do you know what it is?”

If you ask her parents, they’d probably tell you that your friend did something that she doesn’t want you to know about, so that’s not much help. But then you can get the secret out of her little brother! He’ll be much more willing to dish it! You can bribe him with candy!

The second option is, ask her after she’s had a glass of wine. She’ll be drunk! Muah ha ha! Then she’ll spill everything! (Not literally!)

The only way you should NOT try to get the secret out of her is if it’s a really inappropriate secret, something that you’d rather not know, like she peed in your wine the other day. (Wait, actually, you should know about that, and get a doctor ASAP!)

Or maybe the secret is that the reason your hair turned black overnight is because she put ink in your shampoo. That is seriously something that you’d rather not know!

Or what if it’s that the reason she’s wearing a crown is because she stole it? Do you want to know that your BFF is as thief?! No!

It could be that the reason there are lipstick marks on the seat of her toilet is because she kisses it! Trust me, you’d be much more comfortable keeping that a mystery.

So maybe, on second thought, just back off the secret thing. It’s not worth it!

Do you have a question that you could use some preteen advice on? Leave it in the comments!

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