What is it about boobs that gets clothing manufacturers and designers all flustered? As any woman with breasts larger than a B cup can tell you, all women’s clothing appears to be designed for small-breasted women. When I shop for clothes, I can’t just pick out anything that looks cute. Buttons in the front? Can’t wear it, unless I want to show off my bra through the buttonholes. Backless? Nope. Strapless? Sure, if I want to demonstrate my circus-like ability to touch my belly button with my nipple.
You might be thinking, “Come on, Nicole! You’re wearing a strapless dress in your cover photo!” That’s true, but it’s deceptive. That was a very special circumstance involving duct tape and migrant elves willing to do any job in the summer off season.
All I want is a garment that can support the ladies, and doesn’t look like it was originally designed as a steel breast plate for old English knights with man boobs. (We hear that Sir Bobbsy the Bloated had a rather pronounced happy trail that could only be hidden by multiple layers of Jacquard under his ornate and crested armor. If only bra designers had put as much thought into body shapes of actual, modern women, I wouldn’t be walking around in a full-body sheath.)
You’d think that sports bras would be the one area in which products for large breasted women would rule, right? Wrong! Number one, you can’t get a sports bra that actually stops your boobs from bouncing. It’s flat out impossible. This is especially true if you’re well-endowed and into high-impact sports. (More on that later.) But even if you want a bra that supposedly works well in this situation, you have to either: A.) Spend a week’s salary on a thing that you sweat in, or B.) Buy some stupid shit like this:
What the hell is this? This is a sports bra that you both pull over your head, AND hook it closed in the back. Wha?? Have any of these people ever put on a bra? Or am I the only woman who hooks my bras in the front and then turns it around? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CLOSE IT WHEN THE HOOK IS BEHIND MY BACK?
Unfortunately, I actually own one of these bras. I didn’t notice the absolutely moronic style of closure until after I’d gotten it home, and I thought, Hmmm…that’s odd. But maybe I can do it. No. It was harder to get into than a Manhattan elementary school. My husband had to help me. I needed my husband’s help. To put on a bra. Think about that for a minute. Who was the sadistic dickhead who thought this thing up?
Dick #1: “Hey, Bob. I got a great idea. You know how the big broads is always complaining that they can’t find bras that fit?”
Dick #2: “Yeah. So?”
Dick #1: “So, what if we make ’em one?” (Snickers)
Dick #2: “Why would we wanna do that?”
Dick #1: (Shakes his head and snickers some more.) “No, no, you don’t get it. We make it, we put it out in all the stores. Give it a real nice price tag. They’re going: ‘Finally! A bra I can jog in!’ Then–BOOM! We hit ’em with the kicker!”
Dick #2: The kicker?
Dick #1: (Now laughing uncontrollably.) “They can’t get it on! We make it impossible to get the back closed! Isn’t that great?”
Dick #2: (Rolls eyes.) “You’re an asshole. But I like it.”
Did you know that a pair of D cup breasts weighs between 15-23 pounds? So good news, ladies! You’re not as overweight as you thought you were. Twenty pounds of it is boob! And scientists have actually measured the way the booby bounces. When women jog or run, their boobs can bounce up and down 6 to 8 inches. They also bounce side to side and in and out in a figure 8. A FIGURE EIGHT! For some women with large breasts, it’s so painful that they won’t exercise.
Can you imagine if men’s underwear was like this?
OK, guys. If you want to work out, that’s fine, but you’ll need to wear this special garment to keep your penis from whipping around. Here’s a size extra small.
Um, not to brag or anything, but I’m going to need a larger size.
Oh, I’m sorry. This is the only size we have.
But when I wear this it only covers half of my junk.
I do have one size large, but you have to put it on using only your toes while suspended over a pit of alligators.
I’ll, uh, skip the work out today. Thanks.
Come on, sports wear designers. You can do better than this, can’t you? You can make something that moisture wicks my sweat away but you can’t keep my boobs from bouncing in a figure 8?
I challenge someone to invent a sports bra that actually works and sell it for under $30. I KNOW you can do it!
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