Floors to clean, people to train, and an endless onslaught of danger to drive away. Lucy is a very busy 11-year-old puppy. Here is her daily schedule, told from her point of view.
5:15 AM: Daddy wakes me up at this unholy hour every day and takes me outside to pee. He pours my breakfast in the bowl, but I do not yet have the jaw strength to chew my food. I return to the bedroom to sleep with Mommy, who stays in bed until night is over, like a normal person.
7:00 AM: Mommy hears the little crazy ones stirring and gets out of bed, so I get up. (This is the life of a single puppy. You get up early with the kids EVERY DAY. Just once I wish I had a partner to do the morning routine so that I could SLEEP.)
7:15 AM: I have been waiting outside the bathroom door for Mommy for God knows how long. Yesterday, I slipped in with her so that I could monitor her progress, but today she shut the door on me. She’s probably sitting on the toilet scrolling through her phone.
7:21 AM: Mommy finally emerges from the bathroom but she is SOAKING WET! I do my best to dry her with my tongue, but I can only reach her calves. How many times have I told her not to play with that water-spraying demon? Oh, I blame myself. I used to bark loud, clear warnings to her whenever she stepped near it. But now that I am older, I am tired. This is embarrassing, but yesterday, I passed out on the bathmat.
8:05 AM: We have finally gotten the small loud one dressed and in his high chair. I take my position under the table to clean up the food he drops.
8:40 AM: THE TRASH TRUCK IS HERE! I have heard the unmistakable sound of the TRASH TRUCK RIGHT OUTSIDE OUR HOUSE!!!! The baby is kicking his high chair and violently shaking his tray. I run to the window to check, then return to the kitchen to report that it is, in fact, the trash truck outside our house. This is not a drill. Unbuckle the baby! UNBUCKLE THE BABY!
8:42 AM: The baby and I nearly miss seeing the trash truck drive up the street from our perch at the window. The truck is almost gone and we haven’t gotten them to beep yet. WE HAVEN’T GOTTEN THEM TO BEEP! Let us outside, Mommy! PLEASE!!!!
8:49 AM: We are still at the window. The baby has pointed and shouted “trash truck” several times with increasing levels of enthusiasm, but it appears that the trash truck has gone for good. I try to reassure the baby that–THEY ARE BACK! THE TRASH TRUCK IS BACK AND THEY ARE PICKING UP THE NEIGHBOR’S TRASH ACROSS THE STREET! I KNEW THEY WOULD COME BACK I KNEW IT! MOMMY!!!! LET US OUTSIDE, MOMMY!!!! WE MUST JUMP AND BARK AND POINT AND THEY WILL HONK THE HORN FOR US! LET US OUTSIDE!!!!
8:50 AM: Mommy and the baby are outside. When she opened the door, Mommy gave me “the look.” I was not–THEY ARE HONKING!!!! THE BABY GOT THE TRASH GUYS TO HONK!! THIS IS FANTASTIC!!!!
8:53 AM: That was good for me. I go to Mommy’s office to sleep in the sunbeam.
9:30 AM: Mommy and the small crazy ones have finally left the house after running around frenzied, searching for shoes. It is time for me to sleep upstairs.
10:25 AM: I take a short break from my nap to inspect the bedroom. I see several violations, including squirrels outside the window and a dead bug just out of my reach under the nightstand. I will mention this to Mommy in my daily briefing.
12:15 PM: They are home. I am happy and I want to run and lick them, but I am tired and my knees hurt, so instead I hobble halfway down the stairs. I cock my head at Mommy and stare until she finally picks me up and carries me to the kitchen.
12:45 PM: Mommy and I take the baby upstairs for his nap. He gets a quiet, dark room of solitude, while I am forced to nap by Mommy’s feet in her office as she types incessantly.
2:10 PM: For the third time in an hour, I am forced to follow Mommy to the bathroom. I wish she would give up Diet Coke.
3:32 PM: THERE IS SOMEONE AT THE DOOR! TAKE YOUR POSITIONS! I WILL GUARD THE FRONT LINE AND BLOCK ALL PORTS OF ENTRY! REMEMBER YOUR TRAINING! Mommy is getting up from her chair and violently waving her arms. She shouts, “Quiet! Quiet!,” which seems unnecessary since the person outside has stopped knocking. THERE IS A PERSON OUTSIDE! IT IS THE UPS MAN!! HE HAS COME! I THOUGHT HE WOULD NEVER COME AGAIN! UPS MAN–IT IS A MIRACLE THAT YOU ARE ALIVE AND AT OUR DOOR! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOOOUUUUUUUU!!!
5:30 PM: Mommy is cooking dinner. I ensure that I am never more than 2 inches from her feet then entire time she is in the kitchen. I pace right behind her as she moves about. She has tripped over me several times now, so I must be vigilant and ready to help. If she trips again, I will catch her.
6:15 PM: DADDY IS HOME!! DADDY IS HOOOOOOOMMMMME!!!!
7:30 PM: The little crazy ones are chasing me. I played fetch with them for a while, and now they won’t leave me alone. I am counting the minutes until bed time.
8:30 PM: Blessedly, Mommy and Daddy finally settle in to watch TV on the sofa. Now I can rest.
10:15 PM: I am finally tucked into my bed for the night. I am exhausted, and I have to be up in 7 hours. I hope we see a squirrel tomorrow.
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