Diary of a Discerning Dog
Oh, hello. If this is our first meeting, then welcome to my weekly column. I am Lucy. (Not Snorty McSnortferson, Stanley, Stinky Puppy, Lucimus Goosimus Valentinius Marcilinus, or any of the other undignified nicknames my family has invented for me. For crying out loud. Lucy is a perfectly respectable name. Please use it.)
But I am happy that you are here.
YOU ARE HERE! I LOVE YOU AND YOU ARE HERE! I WILL JUMP AT YOUR KNEES AND SPIN AND BARK!!
False alarm. My apologies. You came to hear about my day. I woke up, as I do every morning, at the unholy hour of dark o’clock in the morning. Daddy took me outside to pee and poop. Again, he tried to trick me into walking an actual distance. No, Daddy. I do not like to be pushed into exercise. I would prefer to save my energy for blitzing through the house later when the little crazy ones try to take my ball.
I ate my Science Diet and went back to sleep, until the small messy one dropped his pancake on the floor and the larger ones all dripped granola bar crumbs everywhere. Honestly, how would Mommy ever keep a clean floor without my help?
This brings me to my point. I need another dog in this house. Taking care of this family is far too much work for one adorable puppy. I CAN’T DO THIS ALONE! Cleaning the floor is just one example. There is also following Mommy around the house, guarding the children when they are scared, snuggling EVERYONE many times a day. And, of course, the thing that occupies the majority of my non-sleeping time. Protecting the house from danger.
IT IS EVERYWHERE! I see and hear danger outside our door daily. I bark loud, clear warnings to my family, but NOBODY LISTENS! It is exhausting.
Please. I need your help. Convince my family to adopt a new puppy. I will train him as my apprentice, and together, we will keep this family from being eaten by danger. Thank you.