BREAKING: Bacon Is Not a Health Food

If you’ve been anywhere near the internet the last couple of days, you’ve probably heard that the World Health Organization (WHO) published a report declaring that processed meats, such as bacon, sausage, and hot dogs, cause cancer. Adding just a little bit of bacon to your otherwise healthy American diet can increase your risk of colorectal cancer by seventeen percent. Seventeen percent!

To which Americans everywhere replied, “Mash schmo rect schmash. Ahem. Sorry. My mouth was full of bacon. What was that?”

This is ‘Murica. We don’t just enjoy a little taste of bacon with our annual Women’s Club Brunch. We consume it by the pound. We chop it up and serve it in salads. We fry our eggs in it. We wrap it around asparagus and dip it in honey mustard sauce. We use it to make FILET MIGNON taste better. We’ll even sprinkle that shiz on a friggin cupcake. Is there anything that doesn’t taste better with bacon?

But one thing Americans are great at is terrifying ourselves about the dangers lurking in the foods we eat. I mean, let some pseudo-science website publish dire warnings about the relationship between non-organic pears and Government Created Killer Nano-Robot Infection (#dwightforpresident). Facebook will light up with memes featuring sad children imploring their moms to buy all their fruit at Whole Foods. The pear industry will issue recalls. The Society for Non-Organic Fruit Farmers will have an emergency session to address their “PR Crisis,” and end up deciding to banish the pear guys to Kalaupapa with the lepers in order to “clean up their image.”

But the world’s leading scientists publish a paper claiming that processed meats belong up there with cigarettes in the risk department? Please. Your Uncle Joe posted a selfie with a bratwurst with the caption, “Smoke ’em if you got ’em!” Your county-councilman organized a local “Support Oscar Mayer Day” to offset the vicious slander being spewed about their all-American meaty treats. Your neighbor took a pic of her kitchen table full of bacon and hotdogs. #worthit #didntneedmycolonanyway #idontevenlikemeat.

So why aren’t people freaking out? This is science. They said bacon is bad for you. They even used the c-word!

I have a theory. See, I’ve seen people who only buy organic, non-GMO health foods, and I’ve seen people who eat processed meat. This ain’t the same crowd, folks. Or maybe it’s just that bacon and sausage are soooo gooooood.

Either way, I’m not worried. I need to get going to the grocery store. I’m almost out of bacon.

5 thoughts on “BREAKING: Bacon Is Not a Health Food

      1. It’s just never appealed to me. And I don’t eat (or cook, much to my sons’ chagrin) red meat either. I always tell them their colons will thank me later. Somehow that doesn’t seem to satisfy them, though. 😉

        But chocolate and popcorn? Them be my vices!

        Liked by 1 person

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